Tuesday, 1 April 2014

Long time no talk!

I know it has been a reaaaaally long time since I have updated. But what can I say, I have 4 month old twins and life is sooooooo busy. Whenever I have a free moment to myself I am catching up on sleep, housework or BBC.

        My Beautiful Phoenix

Brief update:

Phoenix is doing great! She is 4 and we had a small party with some of our DS families at a local gym. It was "lead" by some of the staff but really involved a lot of free play in the gym with props, balls, scarves, scooters and hoops. The kids had a super fun time, especially the birthday girl who kept trying to escape to the other half of the gym where basketball practise was happening.

Phoenix continues to do well in her preschool and has been in the middle of a language progression: moving from 1-2 word sentences to 2-3 word sentences. I get a lot of "Thank you Mom" and "Ok Mom" and describing things with the colour and the object. It's wonderful to see her continue to make progress and be able to express herself more fully.

The twins are also doing well and are only a lb apart now in weight. Ash is 10lbs 13 oz and Wren exactly 1 lb more. At one point there was a 2 lb spread after Ash had been hospitalized for NEC and had to be off food for a week. But she has definitely rebounded and is catching up to her sister. The just went for their 5th round of RSV antibodies yesterday to prevent them from getting sick. As preemies they are more susceptible to respiratory illnesses and more likely to develop pneumonia and to be hospitalized if they do get sick. So any added protection is a bonus. They are 4 months old today, but we and the doctors still treat them like 2 month old babies - which is what they would have been if they had made it to their due date. This is called their adjusted age. They are doing all the things they should be doing for 2 months so we aren't worried about their development. They are bright, look around the room, have started to coo and smile at people and bat at their toys on their play mat. Life is good folks. Life is good.

 Wren sleeping peacefully.


Ash yawning


Truly identical, no?

Sunday, 5 January 2014

"I want to say: that's great!"

Wren and Ash continue to grow and develop. Ash had a set back last week with blood in her poop that the doctors suspect is allergic colitis. Basically Ash is allergic to something I am eating and the most likely culprit is dairy. I've been dairy free for 5 days now and my milk is slowly being reintroduced to her diet, with no ill effects so far. She's also been having Brady's (heart rate drops, followed by an apnea). It's common in preemie babies.

The problem is that after 5 days Brady free they are ready to be released. It is only a problem because as of tomorrow Wren would be 5 days Brady free and Ash is still having them. So Wren could potentially be released with Ash still in the nicu. That would be logistical nightmare for our family.

So when I called for an update tonight I was positively giddy to hear that Wren had a Brady after I left earlier today. That's right! 5 more days with her sister! So it's not great that they are still having Brady's, but is it wonderful that they get to stay together for another 5 days.

That part is good news and I'll take that wherever and whenever I can get it.

The breast feeding is not going so well. In truth, it tanked as soon as the bottle was introduced. Knowing it was going to happen. It's really shitty actually. And when one of them refuses to latch and just cries at the breast it puts me back a step because I feel reluctant to try again. It's a terrible cycle. One I hope ends when I bring them home and feel more comfortable just trying in the security of my own house.  I'm trying to stay positive about this but as they get older and still make no progress it it harder to hold out hope that we are going to have a good breast feeding relationship. I hope I am wrong. 

Thursday, 12 December 2013

You can't always get what you want

There was nothing more that I wanted this time around than to have my baby and to have the doctors send me on my way to figure it out on my own. I knew that having twins, I was at a higher than average risk of preterm labour as well as a variety of other risk factors. However, my pregnancy was going so well that I didn't actually believe that any of these risks would come to fruition. Yet here we are. The girls were born just over 2 weeks ago and have spent their entire lives so far in hospitals. 3 to be exact.

I am mostly ok emotionally, but I find the the times when I am alone, like in my car on the way to the hospital, or in the shower before I pump ( trying to get more than 1 oz out of each breast) the worst. That's where I do my crying.  However, even in the midst of my tears, I can't help but notice how different it is this time. With Phoenix the grief was consuming. And it as grief. Even at the time, even it being my first post partum experience, I knew it was more than hormones. I knew it was a hole that I could not dig myself out of without help. And I got help, thank goodness, because I made It through this pregnancy mostly clear. 

It feels different this time. It feels likebnormal post partum hormones, mixed with a good portion of "this sucks that my babies are in the Nicu; I hate pumping and wish my babies could just breast feed; and why is this happening to me again?" Yep, the 'poor me' complaint. 

And yeah, I know it could be worse,  but sorry, this fucking sucks that we are here again and that I don't get to have that experience of having m baby and then having my doctors and nurses send me on my way with a wave and a "good luck!". I don't ever get to have that. Never, because this it it for us. Nope, we get 3 kids who will be followed by pediatricians, who may all have delays and be at risk for health problems. Who may never fully breast feed. 

 It's never just easy, is it? And sadly, despite the intensity of our wishes, we don't always get what we want. That much has been made clear to me over and over and over.